I think the best thing to do, is a make a list of the good things, for EACH Side. (Because list-making is kinda ma’ thang). Here we go, folks! Hold onto your diaper bags!
Benefits of PROCREATING:
1. Baby Shower. You get another party in your honor, and this time you don’t have to share the spotlight with the dude, with whom, you chose to procreate. (Everyone knows the sperm donor is no longer useful once donation is made. Except for money. He better pay that shiz up!)
2. Little person who looks like you, loves you unconditionally, and occasionally gives you googley eyes when he/she is taking a poo.
3. The get-out-of-gym-free card, known as Breast Feeding. (This reason may be good enough to trump all others). You can eat whatever you want, then pump your way skinny.
4. When your husband dies, you will have your child to lean on, for a lifetime of support, affection and love. Or, he or she could stick you in a home and only visit once a year. (It’s a crap shoot with these young whipper-snappers).
5. The odd job of testing out all the theories you ever had on how a child SHOULD be raised. And watching them fail. Over and over. For the rest of your life. (Maybe this isn’t a benefit?)
Benefits of NOT PROCREATING:
1. You can take all the money you were going to spend on a child, and fund multiple scholarships for other people’s kids, who would otherwise, not be able to afford such scholastic opportunities. Or you could do lots of drugs. (Depends on who you are, really).
2. You never have to experience walking into a room and seeing your offspring covered in their own fecal matter. You also won’t have to experience that fecal matter being rubbed all over your newly decorated home.
3. You never HAVE to cook. You can only cook when you WANT to cook. There are literally no rules about this.
4. You can (continue) having sex on your kitchen counter. Day or night! (You’re welcome)
5. You never have to hire the following people: a nanny, a maid, a pediatrician, an extra lesson tutor, a clown, a balloon man, a cotton candy man, an SAT prep tutor or a College Councilor. Less fuss, less muss.
6. You are free to pursue all your hopes and dreams. You don’t have a curfew. You can pick up and move to France for a month, just because you have a massive croissant craving. You can join the circus. You can become a porn star. The world is your flipping oyster!
7. You get to AVOID all that messiness about puberty and friendships and blah blah blah. You will never have to hear the creature you created tell you that they HATE you, and you should just LEAVE THEM ALONE. (It’s exhausting just typing it).
8. You never get pregnant, thus, you don’t have to deal with gaining weight, losing weight, and trying to put everything back where it was before.
9. Your husband will still want to F* you, because there isn’t a screaming person attached to your leg, and emptying his wallet.
10. You can sleep through the night. EVERY NIGHT. (Assuming you don’t get up three times to pee, like me).
Suppose we don’t over-analyse the points and just go with the one that has the longer list? What do you think?
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La Dolce Vita 