I’ve always had this, sort of, silly, wonderful dream, since I was a teenager. I thought that one day, wherever I lived, I’d buy all the houses around me and give them away to my friends. At the time, it was my high school friends, but since then, I’ve expanded the dream to include one or two for the friends who live abroad, as well. Then, my friends and I would be able to see each other all the time. We could hang out by the pool, throw dinner parties, drink margaritas and generally just “kick it”, til Kingdom Come. It’s a very clear picture in my mind. Everyone is laughing, and dancing and having a splendid time. It’s the picture I have in my head before I sit down to compose another novel. I see all their faces, as if we were sixteen again. Nobody ages. Nobody gets married. Nobody has kids. It is so beautiful and clear, in my mind. It is so, effortlessly, simple.
This weekend, I was honored to be a bridesmaid in my best friend’s wedding. It was such a happy occasion. She was very lucky to marry her first love, a dude she’s been dating for over thirteen years. They are so different, in so many ways, but at the very core, they are exactly the same. It’s so rare to find two such people, that are, (to quote a guest who flew all the way from Japan for the occasion), so pure of heart. All of the guests, who were not family, had been friends of the couple for AT LEAST ten years. Mostly, everyone had been friends since high school. (I think that is a true testament to the character of someone–how long they keep their friends). And even though the weekend was filled with joy and merriment, as I watched her stand at the end of the aisle, looking up towards the alter, something in my stomach began to sink.
Oh no. Not another one.
Because, even though I was happy for her, and overjoyed for him, and absolutely, one hundred percent in agreement that this marriage take place, I couldn’t help but feel like my dream was fading, just a little bit more.
It’s faded so much already. Eighty percent of my friends are married. A few have kids, are pregnant, or are trying to have kids. Many don’t live in Jamaica anymore. They live abroad and because of whatever circumstance, never intend to live here again. With each passing wedding, and birth announcement, my dream turns to chalk on the sidewalk in a rain storm. Faces smudge, the sunlight gets washed down the drain, and all I’m left with are hints of tangled, colored, cobwebs. The more I think about it, the more I realize how absurd a dream it was in the first place. I really should’ve abandoned it years ago…
But I can’t. It’s my dream! It’s what I really, truly want, from the very bottom of my heart.
But how do I stop it? I can’t undo all that’s been done.
So I add to the dream. I make the houses bigger, so they can fit a husband and some kids (3 maximum, people! I’m not made of money, here!). I add a gate for security, so the kids can play safely. I put a fence around the pool, so nobody falls in. I add carports big enough for two SUVs. I give everybody laugh lines! It can still happen. I just have to be flexible!
Until I remember….that the husbands have families, too. They have jobs and obligations, that are more important than my silly dream. They have bosses. They have sick grandmothers. They have soccer teams. Fantasy baseball leagues. They have lives of their very own, that occur miles away.
Suddenly, the music begins and the bride starts to walk…..
My eyes fill with tears. Yes, because she is breathtaking, but also because, I feel like I am definitely going to lose something. Not that she won’t be my friend anymore, because she will. This bride is even less a fan of change than me. It’s because I know that once she gets to that alter, she will no longer only think about what she wants. She will have a husband, and even though she’s been with him this very long time, something subtle will occur and it will put her family life above all else. Including me. This is a selfish thought, I admit. I don’t want to think this way, but I can’t help it. It’s happened SO MANY times before. Once my friends get married, all of a sudden they can’t meet for dinner, because their husbands expect dinner to be on the table at seven sharp! Then when we try to get together, we can’t, because their husband’s aunt is retiring, and they have to attend a brunch. And forget about Christmas! Their husband’s family lives in Denmark. They will be gone for a month.
Then–what do you know–they are pregnant, and all of a sudden, they become friends with every female in a ten mile radius who is also pregnant, and they form a little cult. They don’t want to bore you with the breast milk talk, so they spend their limited free time with others who can better relate. And once in a while, they’ll throw you a lunch, and it will be great, and what do you know? They’re in labor! And once that baby pops out…..well, things are never the same.
They meet their mommy friends, and go on playdates, and can’t even tell you about it, because every other word, they are being interrupted by something they have to do for their kid.
And when there are kids, they get even MORE into their and their spouses’ families, and friendship as you knew it, becomes a faint, distant memory.
And honestly, I really want to know, why can’t we just all live next door to each other, hang out by the pool, and kick it? Wasn’t that dream good enough for any of you? Why do we have to endure all this change, and complicate everything? I wish it could just go back to high school, again, when everything was normal. Not Daniella living in Boston. Not Tejal living in California. Not People having babies and wanting job promotions, and going back to school. Just us, like it was before. Laughing and being happy together. Daniella making up garbage and Tejal totally believing it. Ghost stories! Idle gossip! Geez–I’ll even agree to lay out by the pool with Sun-In, in my hair, if it’ll make you all happy. Weren’t we good enough the way it was? Can’t we ever be that way again???
Why can’t everyone just GO BACK to the way it was BEFORE all this serious stuff happened?
And then….she gets to the alter, and the Priest invites everyone to be seated. She holds the grooms hands, and I know it’s already done. It’s been done for a long time. After all, aren’t I married? Haven’t I abandoned this dream? Aren’t I too old to still be holding out for this Utopian, selfish ideal?
But then the bride looks back at me, and smiles. And I know I haven’t lost her. Or anything really. I have only gained. Then the sinking dissolves into this pool of absolute calm, as I lock my dream away for a rainy day, and come back to this joyous moment. Even though I’d like to live in the past, the present is far more vivid. I glance back at my husband, who is dreading the hour and a half long Catholic mass. I guess it’s not so bad. He is always up to kick it with me by the pool. I am so glad he is my friend too.
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La Dolce Vita 