All The Feels

pregnant-belly

I hope to be in the nitty-gritty throws of labor in roughly two months and honestly, I cannot wait. Being pregnant for two years straight will do that to a girl, I suppose. With that first glorious contraction I may even burst into song. I swear I won’t even care if my husband tells me he’d rather check out the sale at Nordstrom than drive me to the hospital again. I’ll walk (or skip or dance) my own way there…

Then in the same instant, I feel infinitely sad. I have been loving my bump this pregnancy. Maybe it’s because when I was pregnant with my daughter I never really had a bump. I was just mushy all over. This time it feels like I have a basketball under my skin and I can’t help petting it and massaging it with lotion and showing it all the love in the world. Those old wives know what they’re talking about when they say being pregnant with a boy looks different than being pregnant with a girl–at least for me…

At the same time, I am terrified. Not of labor, surprisingly, but of what comes after. The sleeplessness, the breastfeeding, the packing up and moving from Miami to Jamaica with a very active toddler and a newborn. And even more than the terror of those initial few weeks, I am terrified of having a son. This is a dangerous world for brown boys in America. It’s true, my son may come out fair like me, but he also may be brown like his dad and sister. It is something I think about a lot–the future worry that will be added to the usual ‘crashing cars’ and ‘broken bones’ narrative of growing up male.

But I am also excited…..excited for my husband to experience having a son, a little him, like I have been able to experience having a little me in my daughter. I am excited for our family to be complete and for the opportunity to donate my maternity things to future excited moms. I am excited to have a tiny baby again who stays in one place when you put him down. I am excited for the new baby smell and the tiny baby clothes. Most of all, I am excited for the increased love in the house as we add one more person to kiss and snuggle to our mix.

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