Things That 2016 Has Already Gotten Wrong

Yes, I hear what you’re saying. We’re barely through the first month of the year and I’m already being negative. Fine, I accept that label. Call me negative all you want but I cannot help noticing some glaringly WRONG feet with which we as a society are using to step gingerly into the future. In fact, I see 3 wrong feet and I simply cannot allow it to continue unobserved.

  1. Hoverboards. For about three months I’ve heard mouths wagging about hoverboards, but until recently I had no idea as to what they were referring. For the record, this is a hoverboard:

marty-mcfly-uses-mattel-hoverboard-escape-thugs-2015.jpg

It is a skate board that hovers in mid-air, carrying its’ user with it on a magic carpet ride.

This is not a hoverboard:

maxresdefault.jpg

As you can clearly see, this craft is on wheels. Wheels that touch the ground. Not wheels that turn upside-down to fight gravity. This, ladies and gentlemen, is a Glide Board. It rolls along the ground with relative smoothness, prompted by its’ users slight body changes.

Why does this piss me off? Because I always said that I’d know when we were in the future when people started getting around on hoverboards. So you can imagine my absolute exuberance three months ago when I first heard that hoverboards were now for sale! I looked online, I asked around, and people kept showing me this photo above of the Glide Board. Am I the only person who remembers ‘Back to the Future’??? Is nothing truly sacred anymore when we can name this bastardized scooter as the beacon for future civilization? Seriously people, wake up! Correct this madness before it begins to run amok.

2. Taye Diggs. Taye Diggs is the Broadway and film actor, with Jamaican origins, who had the extreme good fortune to woo and marry my personal goddess, Idina Menzel. Yes, many of you lay people know her as the girl from ‘Frozen’ and ‘Glee’ but I’ll have you know, Idina was the toast of Broadway for many, many years before she struck commercial pay dirt entertaining your children with her pop-psychology, encouraging everyone to just ‘Let It Go’. Idina originated the role of Maureen in Rent, where she met the lesser known Taye Diggs. This is where their romance began. If you’ve read my novel ‘The New York Catch’ you will know that I held Taye and Idina’s relationship on a pedestal against which all other relationships were measured. It’s no shame for me to say that they were my epitome of true love. That is until recently when their marriage ended.

taye-diggs.jpg

This is not the reason I take issue with Taye Diggs. My issue is this. For over a decade he was involved with my goddess, Idina, and apart from their wedding that took place at Half Moon Resort, I hear little mention of him ever stepping foot back in Jamaica since. That is until last week, when Taye Diggs found himself across the road from my house, visiting a local pre-school sans goddess Idina. I mean, seriously Taye? This is when you choose to return to the land of your fathers (or mother? or aunty? or whoever?)? AFTER you break up with Idina? Would it really have killed you to bring her within walking distance of me so I could properly worship at the alter of Elphaba? If anyone is an Idina fan, it has got to be me. I have ended friendships over not being allowed to ‘be’ Idina at karaoke. That shiz is plain messed up, selfish and unbecoming of a Jamaican who marries a national treasure. Shame be to thee, Taye Diggs!

3. Mello Vibes. For years I have tolerated my road-rage nemesis, a Hope Road taxi who goes by the name ‘Mello Vibes’. Mello Vibes is by far the most careless, aggressive taxi plaguing Hope Road between Hilcrest Avenue and Half-Way-Tree. Mello Vibes would rather kill you, himself and his passengers than have you reach a red light before him. He will risk life and limb by driving into oncoming traffic to overtake on the wrong side of the road. He will accelerate far above the capability of his brakes. He will push in front of you only to slam his breaks to let off passengers mid-street, without warning. This is the evil that is Mello Vibes. He and I have had many dealings throughout the years, but in 2016, it has gotten worse. Why?

Because Mello Vibes has gotten large.

IMG_5519

He now comes in the form of a bus. Pray for us all.

HEY B*TCHES! I DON’T DO THIS FOR MY HEALTH. I HAVE BOOKS FOR SALE PEOPLE. PAY UP OR GET OUT: THE NEW YORK CATCH, NEW YORK SOCIALITE, NEW NEW YORK, (OR ALL 3-IN-1 NEW YORK SERIES), RED ROCK CAFE, MIDLIFE WIFE & DATING FOR DINNER. 

Advertisements

One response to this post.

  1. Posted by Kimberley on January 23, 2016 at 8:47 pm

    LOLOLOLOL !!! Amanda you are THE best!!! I literally rolled with laughter

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: