Could I Be Pregnant? And Other Woes To Ignore.

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If you are like me and newly off-the-pill, you may be worried about birth control. Well, (if you are over 30) I am here with good news! You need not maniacally wring your hands, downing tequila shot after tequila shot, waiting for your period to come month by month, hoping that you won’t have to send your husband out (again) in the dead of night to buy you a pregnancy test. Instead, look on the bright-side. You are over 30! It is basically impossible for you to get pregnant.

As a teenager, all you need to do to get pregnant is have sex ONCE, at any point in your cycle, in the back of a car and you are pretty much knocked-up immediately.

In your twenties, all you have to do is sleep with someone else’s boyfriend after a drunken lapse in judgment and you are pregnant.

In your thirties, you can track your basal body temperature, pee on endless ovulation sticks, stop drinking caffeine, go to the dentist for a cleaning, quit your job to stay home and lay down fourteen hours a day with your legs propped up in a dark room, after having sex WHEN YOU ARE OVULATING, and you will STILL not get pregnant.

It is only in recent months that I have discovered that allergy medicine, caffeine, alcohol, cigarettes, red meat and a slight fever are among the things that can prevent pregnancy. Why did I waste all that money on birth control when two cups of coffee and a Claritin could’ve worked just as well? You actually have a 1 in 6 chance of getting pregnant if you have sex when you are ovulating once you are over 30. I don’t know about you but I like those odds.

Of course, there are exceptions to this rule. If you are over thirty and lack the financial or emotional stability necessary for having and raising a fragile human being (in short–if the LAST thing you need in the world is another mouth to feed), your body will forget your egg-age and instead treat you like a teenager in the backseat of a stolen car.

Yep. I call that an Old Testament God kind of miracle. “Smite them with offspring” He screams as he plucks out the one fertile thirty year old in the bunch.

For the majority however, delight in your cappuccinos and martinis, as sleepless stressful day turns into sleepless stressful night, because the good news is “Am I pregnant” should not be a question that plagues you as much as “Should I possibly quit my job to back-pack through Europe for six months?”

Mazel Tov! You’re having a boy girl life!

HEY THERE! I HAVE BOOKS FOR SALE. COME OVER AND HAVE A LOOK BEFORE YOU GO: THE NEW YORK CATCH, NEW YORK SOCIALITE, NEW NEW YORK, (OR 3-IN-1 NEW YORK SERIES), RED ROCK CAFE, MIDLIFE WIFE & DATING FOR DINNER.

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