Ariana Grande: Ruining Dating for Women since VSFS 2014

After the Victoria’s Secret fashion show last night, I find myself thinking about Ariana Grande.

Ariana Grande is a giant question mark in my mind. I have a hard time believing that she is a real person. She seems like the wet dream of some music executive/marketing mogul come to life. Ariana Grande has the build of your typical twelve year old boy, with the careful contouring of a barbie doll. Her face is like painted porcelain. Her expressions are cute, while her dance moves are better suited to a lady who works on a pole….yet her voice is the size of Texas. When she goes for a high note, you don’t even know until she’s on her way down. It is….incredible. Watching her performance left me speechless. “Where the heck,” I thought, taking a break from my many beers and peanut butter, “did they find this B*tch?”

The package appeals to the pedaphile-driven consumerist society that oozes off every Walmart toy shelf and tabloid magazine cover, backed up with the soul and conviction of a quality singer like–I can’t believe I’m saying this–Aretha Franklin.

Is this the pop music we are making today?

In my day, (I am as old as that sounds) we were more focused on the package. No one piece had to be perfection in itself, but overall it had to be a strong contender. Take Britney Spears, for example. Britney didn’t have the best voice, but she had a great body, some kick-ass plastic surgeons, the best choreographers, back-up dancers, production people, and for this she became a star. Strip away everything and focus on one thing, and what did you have? Her face is just okay, if we are being honest. She had her nose done, which helped, but you couldn’t argue she was a natural beauty (by pop culture’s strict beauty standards). Her body was sick, for a minute, but otherwise, her build was a tad big (and her boobs, slightly too small). She could dance though, at least, in her “In the Zone” days (not so much post-Kevin Federline). Britney as a product was fantastic, though. Once all the pieces came together, she was a fortified megastar.

Which is basically the formula the pop industry has run on since time began: get a bunch of okay parts, package them correctly, and boom–you have a star! Take Madonna. Her voice is no great shakes, she’s actually quite unattractive, but she could dance, and she wasn’t born with any shame. That formula is pop gold, right there.

But this….Ariana Grande….where the heck did she come from? Take any part of her and you have perfection, right down to her fluttering, innocent eyelashes, as she pops her bootay in your face. Where did this girl come from? She is the walking Madonna-Whore complex, she is the chupacabra of pop music. She is the end all, and be all, of everything that is NOT possible in one female, and she is OFFICIALLY ruining dating for women everywhere.

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