In theory I am good at many things, and there are times in life when you will be genuinely happy that I am around. For example, you are a guy who’s trying to pick-up a Spanish speaking girl in a bar, and I happen to be drinking Tequila. I can help! I speak Spanish well-enough to translate for you, and potentially, get you laid (but ONLY when drinking Tequila). Or how about, you have a big English paper due on a literature book you haven’t even bought yet? I can help. If I were a superhero, my power would be devouring books and writing A+ papers. You’ll sure be happy to have me around then!
Alas, there are also times when I am the LAST person you want by your side, and since it’s Friday, I’d be happy to list such situations for you here.
So without further ado, I give you…
Amanda Hanna’s list of Times When I am THE LAST person you need in your life
1. When you’re in the Emergency Room. Being Lebanese does not usually translate to being even-tempered and calm. Worse, being a Lebanese female. How about, being a Lebanese, female artist? See where I’m going with this? Once, my husband went to the Emergency Room. As the nurse attempted to insert the IV in his hand, I spotted a few air bubbles in the line. When I pointed it out to the nurse, she pretended she didn’t hear me. I grabbed the line out of Matthew’s arm and said it again. Long story short, I was escorted by security out into the parking lot while screaming: I watch Grey’s Anatomy! I know what I’m talking about!
2. When you need someone to drive you somewhere. Historically, I’m the worst driver ever. In one year, I was involved in seven motor vehicle accidents (and that’s only because my car spent a lot of time getting fixed, in between.) I’ve been rare-ended, and rare-ended someone else, at the same time. My car was hit from every side and angle, until 80% of the body eventually consisted of just putty. I once submerged my car in a river, got out, and watched it drown. So if you need a ride to your GYNO appointment, best call someone else. (Especially if it’s raining)
3. When you need to borrow money. I don’t lend money. I give money. If I can afford to give you money for something, I’m glad to do it. However, I have no interest in lending money and constantly talking about when to get it back, and why I can’t get it back today, and all that Jazz. You need money and I have it? It’s yours. The End. Let’s talk about something else!
4. In the Airport. This is probably the situation in which I am the hands-down-worst. I’m a terrible flyer. As soon as I enter the airport, I get something I refer to as “Airport sickness”. My head spins, I feel nauseous and sick to my stomach. I may throw-up. I may sit on the ground, head between my knees, breathing into a paper bag. It is totally possible that I will ask for a wheel chair and pretend that I’m in the first trimester of pregnancy. (I’ve been doing this since I was 19, and even though all the airport people have gotten to know me, they still have never asked where all my babies are?) Then I get on the plane, and one of two possible things occur: I begin to weep uncontrollably in my seat, (if I’m sitting by the window), or I hum gospel songs from high school, (annoyingly loud). If there is turbulence, I scream. Like I’m on a roller coaster.
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La Dolce Vita 