Thank God I’m Not A Man or a Lesbian!

Angry, Frustrated Woman

I thank God every day that I am neither a man nor a lesbian, because if I had to try and get a woman to fall in love with me, I’d be straight up the creek!

It isn’t enough for you to be average in both looks and intelligence. It isn’t enough for you to have a decent job, or be financially stable. No. Women don’t want that. Well–they do want that–but they want it in a package that is completely, and utterly, out of your control. They want a man with swag. They expect an entire preamble to your relationship, the likes of which, can only be found in a Jennifer Lopez style Romantic Comedy. It isn’t enough that you are a worthy human being–there has to be a series of events that lead to your eventual meet-cute moment.

And the “meet-cute” is a MUST. There will be no love, with no “meet-cute!”

Your “meet-cute” must closely resemble something like this…..

The woman stops at her local newspaper stand to purchase a pack of gum, and a coffee. It’s an unusually windy day, and as she places the stick of gum in her mouth, her cell phone rings. Suddenly, a gust of wind hits her, as she says “Hello”, and her hair goes flying into her mouth, and gets tangled in the gum. She looks at her watch, horrified, because she has gum in her hair, and she is on her way to blind date! She then spots a hair salon across the street, (praise be!) and as she begins to cross the road, a bus drives by and sprays her with water from a pot hole, ruining her new white pants. This is a sign, she thinks, as she sits in front of the mirror, at the hair salon, while a gorgeous gay man, named Rodrigo, cuts her a fresh (gum-free) bob. “There,” she thinks, “that’s better”. Now for the pants….

She goes across the street, flashing her bob, and ducts into a cute boutique, with a pair of white pants in the window. She see’s a cute guy at the cash register, holding a pair of white pants–but never mind him–she has a date with someone who sounds absolutely boring on paper! The salesgirl informs her that the man has bought the last pair in her size. She then chases him out the store, and offers to buy the pants from him–no matter the cost–if he would just please, please, do her this favor.

There is a witty exchange in which he comes off like an asshole, and she totally freaks out–despite his cuteness.

Then she decides to purchase a dress instead, changes out of the stained pants, and hurries to the restaurant. In walks the guy from the store. He is her date.

They exchange many witty, flirtatious, taunts, and she storms off. He likes her feistiness, and shows up at her work the next day with flowers and the pair of white pants (which he purchased the day before, for his niece, in case you thought he was married or something). They start dating and fall madly in love….

Now really–how realistic is this? If the woman had just shown up at the restaurant and been her polite (fake smile) self, and he had been a total gentleman, and asked the boring questions that blind dates entail, would she have been the least bit interested? No. She would not. Women need SO MUCH MORE than what they say they need, and I feel sorry for any man, who is set up with a woman, that does not get gum stuck in her hair.

If she doesn’t have that romantic comedy beginning, then it will never, really work. It’s the sad truth.

And you want to know what it takes a man to fall in love with a woman? Initially, of course, it is 100% appearance, but once he settles in with that, all a woman has to do is be chill, and not nag him when he wants to spend time with his friends. That’s it. He will love that woman for life. That is really all any man requires from his chosen mate. (And I guess cooking dinner once in a while doesn’t hurt).

So, I repeat. I am SO glad I am not a man or a lesbian. Because, honestly, I am much better on paper than I am in real life.

HEY YOU–BUY MY BOOKS, NUH? THE NEW YORK CATCH, NEW YORK SOCIALITE, NEW NEW YORK, NEW YORK SERIES, RED ROCK CAFE, MIDLIFE WIFE.

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One response to this post.

  1. Too true.

    Back to reality – I met one date when a co-worker walked her to my office door. (1 date.) I met another date at the market. (1 date.) I meet women all the time – but it is all SO COMMON.

    Reply

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