If I Were Prime Minister of Jamaica

**Disclaimer: It is important to note before reading, that I have not the faintest understanding of Jamaican politics, British law, or how to run a third world country. I was, in fact, a Theater major, in college**

If I were Prime Minister of Jamaica, I would demand that the entire Jamaican Constabulary Force (Police), sit a general exam, that proves they can read, comprehend and execute logistical analysis, congruent with an 11th grade, Immaculate High School student. If they fail, they will  immediately be made redundant. If they pass, they will immediately receive a 100% raise in salary. Then hopefully, we will have semi-intelligent officers, enforcing the law, instead of the armed criminals, and extortionist we have now.

I would put into effect a country-wide dress code, that demands men to wear their pants on their waists/hips, (if necessary, I would hand out free belts), and for women to wear clothing to cover their bottom halves, such as pants, skirts or shorts. I’m tired of seeing everyone’s genitals, aren’t you? I’d also insist that all those who do not have birth certificates, immediately apply for one, and walk with proof of Jamaican citizenship, at all times. How can a government seek to represent the needs of a population, that they don’t know exist? This has gone on far too long, and as Prime Minister, I seek to remedy it.

Teachers and nurses will get raises, because I’d eliminate 75% of the political posts currently in existence. We are a small country. We need a small government. And let’s face it, the teachers and the nurses deserve the money far more than any fat bellied politician, needs another million dollar trip to the orient, or another hundred brand new Prado’s.

The laws, on a hold, would have to change. First off, we have far too many of them. Under my Prime Minister-ship, I’d legalize weed, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, and all other illicit drugs. (Hey, I’ve got to find tax money to pay the teachers, nurses, and newly-vetted police force, don’t I?) I’d also legalize abortion (obviously), and gay marriage. Jamaica would become the Amsterdam of the Caribbean and tourism would sky-rocket!

Business would no longer be subject to restrictions at the ports. Import and export would attract a flat tax, instead of the foolishness that makes a need for the black market. You would no longer have to rely on the all-too-important link, to run your business. I’d welcome cargo ships to park, for free, overnight, and look forward to the foreign currency they’d unleash upon our fine hotels, restaurants, and shopping malls.

I would dissolve the monopoly that is JPS, and encourage other alternative energies to make Jamaica their testing grounds.

I’d do all these things, because I am not interested in making myself, or my loser friends, rich. I’d do these things because I am interested in living in this country long-term, about creating a safe Jamaica, that can stand on it’s own in this new millennium. I wouldn’t require any mansion in Jacks Hill or any new SUV, with a whole heap of security, to get around. I have an apartment, where if any Jamaican tax payer wants to come talk to me, they can. Think of the money we will save as a country, by having little old me, as Prime Minister.

Like the disclaimer says above, I know nothing about politics, and these points may seem naive to those who do know about running a country, but from where I am standing, these few things seem like they could make a HUGE change for the future of Jamaica.

I’ll look forward to your thoughts in the comments.

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