Cocaine & Politicians

Cocaine & Politicians, cocaine and politicians, goes together like a corpse and mortician?

(So I’m not a song writer. You try to rhyme politician). 

That being said, why is it that politicians are constantly being caught in cocaine scandals, or at least, have admitted to using cocaine? The latest story is Trey Radel from (you guessed it!) the great state of Florida. (The same state that brought you gems like George Zimmerman, Football trumps sexual assault,  and the 2000 presidential election). 

It makes sense to some extent. Politicians run grueling schedules, and drinking coffee constantly, can take it’s toll on your teeth. So why not seek alternative methods to stay “on” all day? Sure, cocaine is illegal for the general public, but come on! So is adultery in some states. Breaking small laws are sometimes necessary in the pursuit of power, right? (Why else do people snort cocaine through a rolled up hundred dollar bill?) 

 

And once it’s been snorted, you can’t un-snort. You simply have to wait til’ someone catches you on film, in some drug fueled rant, like the next coming of Chris Farley, Canadian Mayor Rob Ford, then high tail it to the pulpit for an apology, on the way to rehab at somewhere like Passages of Malibu, where you take a year’s worth of private school tuition, and spend a month participating in things like “equestrian therapy”, with Lindsay Lohan. 

But here’s what is really surprising. Americans are cool with a little blow here and there, so this incident won’t stop any of these “shamed” coked-out politicians, from one day holding the keys to the nuclear weapons! Right G.W.? You’re cocaine habit never affected your ability to be president for 8 years. Nah–you had Dick Cheney for that!

And frankly–I’m with them! I don’t think a person’s recreational drug use should play a role in their jobs. So long as you can keep your drug practices out of your work day, I’m cool with it. Snort all the coke you want on the weekends, politicians! So long as you’re paying for it out of your own pocket, and it’s not making you bat-shiz crazy when it comes to making decisions that affect the welfare of those you have sworn to represent. 

Cocaine and politicians go together like a corpse and a mortician, remember? I honestly don’t get how people stay awake fourteen hours without taking a nap, and that’s regular people. Not people like you who are literally dealing with issues of war, violence, and genuine human perversion. Who wouldn’t need to unwind after dealing with that shiz all day? 

So enjoy the aromatherapy massages, the therapeutic spa treatments and of course, Lindsay Lohan! Come back and give a speech re-committing yourself to the war on drugs, and maybe look into some of these “5 hour energy” supplements. Lay low for a while. Your drug dealer isn’t going anywhere (because you protect him/ her from the authorities). Just remember that when you do get to the White House, you need to legalize the sale and distribution of these illicit substances for all Americans!

Why? I’ll tell you why. Because it’s not the job of the government to police it’s citizens’ private actions. Just like with Big Pharma, and cigarettes, you can tell drug dealers to put the warnings on the packages, and you can inform the public on the danger of their choices, and you can certainly imprison people who are driving or operating machinery under the influence, but that’s it. I’m sick of the government trying to dictate my choices to me. And think of all the crime the legalization of hard drugs, would cut out. Everything would be on the up-and-up, tax revenues would be flush, there’d be plenty of money to fund social programs like welfare and even abortion clinics. All in all, we’d have a much more civilized society.

And then when we see a video of Rob Ford, doing crack in his own time, we’ll be like, “haha, he should be a comedian”, instead of “haha, he should be in rehab”, and my days of endless Rob Ford GIF’s will never have to come to an end. 

 

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