I Just Do NOT Get, You Skinny B*tches!

I don’t understand how you skinny bitches get and STAY so skinny. Here you see me–a girl that works-out 5 days a week, consistently, with weights AND cardio, and VARIETY. A girl who dines on lettuce with broccoli, carrots, a sliver of grilled chicken, sans dressing. A girl who chases her hunger pains with green tea. A girl who practically faints into bed, each night, because she maintains her 1200 calories a day diet, with a stubborn resilience, and yet, I do not lose a pound. As in, not one pound in the five months that this madness has gone on. Sure, I have lost inches. Like, less than a handful. And sure, my overall physique appears more toned, but I am, by no means, a skinny bitch.

So, I really don’t understand how you skinny bitches do it.

What tenth circle of hell do you live in? Do you exist on parcels of raw veggies? Do you abstain from meat? Is it the Special K diet, every day in your house? Are you a breath-a-tarian? I need to know, damn it! I need to know how on Earth you can eat at Burger King a couple nights a week, and still remain the skinny bitches that you are.

And while we’re on the topic of things I don’t get, I don’t get how you long, sleek, straight-haired people walk around with your long, sleek straight hair down, every day, and manage not to sweat. I don’t get that! And how do you strike that precious balance between having the sleek look, without looking greasy? My hair, when down too long on a hot summer day, turns immediately into a cloud. When it fills up with moisture, it rains, all over me. In what universe is it fair that you skinny bitches, get to be skinny, AND eat Burger King, AND have sleek, straight hair, that you let out on humid, sweaty, awful hot days, but still look amazing?

And while we’re on the topic, I don’t get how it’s fair that you pregnant skinny bitches just bounce right back, a week or two after giving birth. Seriously, I don’t get you. You spend nine months, scarfing down bagels and pie and donuts, then after a couple (very painful) hours, and a few days of recovery, emerge like a swimsuit model, from a cloud of post-labor glow.

I’m looking at you, Heidi Klum!

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That skinny bitch, is unreal.

Anyhow, it’s not just Heidi Klum! You skinny, Jamaican bitches are all up in that trend, and I want to know, in what universe, is that fair? Here I am–slaving away, Brazilian Butt Lifting, living on lettuce, sweating under my sauna of hair–and you all look like you just stepped out of the magic shower of shining haired, skinny, bitchiness!

You breast-feeding, mother-lovers! I just don’t get you!

DIG MY BLOG? BY MY MOTHER-LOVING KINDLE NOVELS: THE NEW YORK CATCH, THE NEW YORK SOCIALITE, THE NEW NEW YORK, MID-LIFE WIFE, THE RED ROCK CAFE.

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2 responses to this post.

  1. lol, *hugs*

    Reply

  2. Posted by Mikaela on July 5, 2013 at 1:56 am

    Hahaha! Mands I love your writing! SO flippin’ true too!!

    Xo

    Reply

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