Unsolicited Advice for a Happy Marriage from Jamaican MEN

Normally, Jamaicans are free with advice. Strangers, friends, family members, never cease to spew paragraphs of advice about my weight, hair, business, books, plans for the future or simply what they think I should be doing about any number of topics. After moving from New York, this used to seriously piss me off, but now that I’m settled into island life, I’ve realized it’s simply the culture.

Jamaicans have a lot to say about what they think, and like it or not, they’re going to say it to your face.

Now that I’m about to be married, the advice has only amplified. Everyone wants to tell me the bumper sticker slogan upon which my marriage should be based. I’ve found most of these slogans amusing, so I thought I’d share them here, for those of you who aren’t lucky enough to live on this tiny, sinking rock, in the Caribbean Sea.

So without further ado, I give you, Unsolicited Lists of Things you should do to keep your husband happy  according to Random Jamaican Men:

1. Men are simple. Give them sex, food and clean, ironed pants!

2. Don’t let a couple vows keep you from saying yes to a threesome with your husband and another girl!

3. Men are wild horses and women are cows. You go on chew some cud with the rest of your heard and leave your man to run free in the meadow.

4. Stop working so hard! Your husband is going to be worried when it comes time for you to stay home and mind the children.

5. You have to get pregnant, you have no choice. Every man needs an off-spring! (LOL–because men are dogs, right?)

6. The best thing about getting married is now you can get fat and nobody will care!

7. Enjoy your wedding! That’s the last time anyone is ever going to care about you!

8. The wedding is about the bride, the marriage is about the husband.

9. If you won’t let your husband put it in your backside, he’s going to find another backside to put it into.

10. Your first marriage should be in a church. Leave the beach and garden weddings for your second and third marriages. 

Thank you Jamaicans. I will keep all this in mind as I carefully navigate the pristinely mowed path you’ve rolled out before me. It’s hard to believe I’ve gone so long and accomplished all I have, without carefully studying your every last word! Imagine the life I could’ve lived if I’d only cared about what you had to say, right?

Oh well, too late for regrets, I suppose. Guess I’ll go buy some lube for my backside and chew some cud with my fellow cows, as we prepare our uteruses for your off-spring and neatly iron your pants.

 

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