Clearly, I’m Knocked-Up

You will recall my post about Sex Ed for Adults, where I sought to teach like-minded females who are in and around their thirties, the concept of the birds and the bees.

Well I am finally realizing why nobody believes me.

Exhibit A: Hollwood.

If you’re one to troll the online gossip mags (like myself), you’ll notice that pregnancy is not determined by missed periods, lack of birth control or ovulation cycles, as I had alleged in my previous post. Pregnancy, in Hollywood, is determined by loose blouses and upcoming movies that need promoting. This is how a baby is made. Why have I been so blind? Of course you can ignore conventional birth control methods. Unless you’re about to launch a new perfume line or shell a new clothing line, why on Earth would your body ever feel ready to carry a child. You’re body is smarter than you! It’s not gonna create a perfect PR storm when there’s no monetary gain in sight!

Look at Jen Aniston. I’ve been hearing she’s pregnant for twelve months, and since there’s nothing for her to promote right now, the baby is refusing to manifest! Her body is simply smarter than that! It’s gonna wait til summer when her new stationary line is announced to even hint at a popped-out belly button.

Exhibit B: Look at me.

I have convinced myself that I am pregnant. Yes, I’m on the pill. Yes, my cycles are totally normal. No, I have not missed one single dot. However, didn’t I just release four novels on Amazon Kindle? Aren’t they Best Sellers? Don’t I look a little paunchy from this angle? Or this angle? or THIS ANGLE?

Clearly, I’m knocked-up!

Babies aside, I have every reason in the book to be preggo! My body must realize that it’s time for it to shine.

In preparation for my upcoming bundle of poop/pee/puke, I have been eating like a wilderbeest, hoping to turn my unborn fetus into an oreo cookie with eyes. (As God and Hollywood intended).

Does this make sense to anyone other than me, because my boyfriend, (sigh), he doesn’t get it.

DIG MY BLOG? READ MY BOOKS: THE NEW YORK CATCH, THE NEW YORK SOCIALITE, THE NEW NEW YORK, & THE RED ROCK CAFE.

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