Marriage Anyone?

Would you like to marry me? No, I’m serious. This is an open invitation to whoever reads this.

I would be THE BEST WIFE in the history of wives. Please see the evidence presented below:

If you choose me as your wife, I will make sure your house is always clean and even take cooking classes so I can prepare you gourmet meals at a moment’s notice. I will go to the gym, two hours every day, get my nails and hair done every week, have monthly facials and massages so that I am always fresh and de-stressed in your company.

If you choose me as your wife, I’ll dress moderately chic in public and like a hooker at home. I will keep my opinions to myself unless you specifically ask what I think. If you tell me you like my hair long, my hair will be long. If you tell me that you prefer girls who wear make-up, I’ll start.

When you want sex, I will deliver, no matter how many times a day, or how many rooms in the house.

When you want space, I will oblige.

Whatever you want, I will make it happen. Every sick, twisted, stone-drunk request will be met, if you choose me as your wife.

The catch you’re asking? Simple: I DON’T WANT TO WORK EVER AGAIN!

(I mean really, how can I be such a doting, sexy wife if I have to go into a thankless job every day? It’s really in your best interest that I sleep late and pamper myself all day long. It’s just that I need money for all these things….anyhow, keep reading….)

To be your wife I require a modest salary of US$150,000 a year. Out of that money I will buy groceries, decorate, and keep myself in a presentable and appropriate state. Outside of this salary, for birthdays and holidays I require jewelry (And don’t I deserve it?). Every three months I require plain tickets. It is imperative that I leave Jamaica for three weeks every few months! (You have the option to join me, but really, shouldn’t you stay and work? Someone has to support my lavish lifestyle).

Oh and when I say I require jewelry during the holidays, I mean the Christian and Jewish ones. A few surprise gifts would be nice too.

For every child you expect me to have, I require US$150,000 more. I’d personally like to stop at two, but it’s your money, right?

For my 40th birthday I would like plastic surgery. I will determine what needs the most attention when I get there.

On the day of our marriage I will ask you to sign a pre-nup that state’s what’s mine is mine, and what’s yours in mine.

But enough with all this unpleasantness about money. We can be in love! I studied acting in college and am pretty good and playing a part. As long as money gets wired every month, it’ll be all good. Focus on the good parts. The clean house, the good food, the anytime-anywhere sex.

That’s right….it would be so easy to love me……now please sign here………………………….

For more fun, check out The Red Rock Cafe & The New York Catch.


4 responses to this post.

  1. Plain tickets? You wouldn’t prefer something fancier?


  2. Posted by Michaelia on July 1, 2011 at 7:36 pm

    Only you Amanda… 🙂


  3. @ Dan. Nope. I’m a simple girl with simple needs. I’m a TOTAL BARGAIN!!

    Although, in light of my recently developed dread of commercial flying, perhaps I should amend that request to ‘a private plane, preferably a leer jet,’ lest some cheapy try to saddle me with a prop plane.


  4. I’ll leer at your jet. (Or, I will continue to pick at your misspellings, because I know you so enjoy my sass. :p)


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: