Busy-Bodied Facebook Friends

My friends on Facebook exhaust me. If they’re not having babies then they’re climbing un-climbable mountains, or sky-diving or wind-surfing or….um….regular surfing. It darn well tuckers me out reading about all this great stuff they spend their days accomplishing, where as, for me, a shower is an accomplishment. Getting out of bed before noon, is an accomplishment. Not eating an ENTIRE BAG of Dorritos is an accomplishment (however short lived, because you know I’m going to polish them off before I go to bed).

When do people have time to climb mountains and make babies? I’m so confused.

Do regular people have longer days than I do? Do they give-up the glorious ten hour slumbers that I drug myself into every night, in favor of ten minute power naps and cocaine? Do they find jobs that actually pay them more than minimum wage and provide ample vacation time for such hobbies as jumping from a moving airplane with a backpack and fingers on both hands crossed?

Well, they must, right? Otherwise wouldn’t we all have such colorful facebook pages?

And how about these vegans? They really mystify me. Not only do they grow their own food, and juice their own fruits and veggies, but they absolutely do not eat meat or animal products. Can you imagine such a thing? Part of my nightmare about coming down with some incurable, debilitating disease is that I probably won’t be able to eat meat. Dear God, the horror!

And think about it–gardening. That involves digging holes in the ground, planting seeds, watering them, fertilizing them, ploughing, mowing, hoe-ing and all sorts of other ing-ing’s, and then what? You get a swarm of bugs and it all goes down the tubes. Meanwhile, what do you eat?

I tell you, my facebook friends really make me want to take a nap, and not because I am the laziest person on the planet, but because they are probably the most busy-bodied people on the planet. (You know you are, facebook friends!)

All the while, they accomplish all this while popping out a couple of kids. God bless them, I don’t know how they do it!

DIG MY BLOG? CHECK OUT MY BEST SELLING AMAZON COMEDY SERIES: THE NEW YORK CATCH, THE NEW YORK SOCIALITE, THE NEW NEW YORK & THE RED ROCK CAFE.

Wedding Wars

As you may have heard, I recently got engaged to my long time live-in boyfriend, Matthew Garel.

I was so delighted to finally be able to throw the off-beat, backyard wedding of my dreams. I pictured a handful of close friends and family, decked out in the season’s most fashionable denim, sipping on some frozen margaritas and chomping on some freshly grilled burgers and fries, as I mosey on up a make-shift aisle in my Grandmother’s garden dawning some cute, baby-doll looking off-white dress and some cute, trendy flats, on a bright sunny day in 2013.

I’m a simple girl, as you know, so I was thrilled to skip all that fancy foolery that usually accompanies a wedding, like formal invitations and black tie attire. It’s not like my goal in this whole thing is to have a wedding–it’s to have a marriage! Hopefully, a happy one according to my standards and not the standards of current society. Then isn’t it only right that we have a ‘wedding’ that defies the expectations of current society too?

Not according to my family. They are huge funs of traditional weddings! The more fuss, stress, tulle and torture, the better.

I made a lovely list of 120 guests that would complete my ideal backyard wedding fantasy. They countered with a list of 400. Many of my conversations regarding the list went like this:

Me: I just want close family and friends.
Family: What about your fourth cousin that you’ve never met who lives in Canada? We could never not invite them! They’d feel so offended! God, we’d just die of shame to not invite them! And you know we’d never hear the end of it from the other cousins in California who we never ever see!
Me: But I’ve never met them. Why would they care?
Family: Believe me, they’ll care!
Me: But again….I’ve never met them…so why should I care that they care.
Family: Oh my God, what a failure we’ve been at raising you! Don’t you know anything about weddings!

All this chorused by my father’s often heard chimes of “If you don’t like it, elope!”

You’d think that in a global recession, people would forgive such shallow expectations of being invited to weddings of distant relatives, but recession be damned. We are Lebanese! We never forgive anyone anything. Look at how far we’ve gotten with Israel, Palestine and the rest of those camel jockies. Clearly forgiveness is not out strong suit!

So I’m left now with two options: Have a big, fat Lebanese-Circus wedding or run off to Vegas (my grandfather has been kind enough to offer to pay the plane fare), the tacky, grown-up version of Disney World, with my frozen margarita between my legs.

Why can’t I just have my backyard bbq and not tell anyone? Isn’t this supposed to be my wedding?

DIG MY BLOG? BUY MY FUNNY-AS-F*** BOOKS: THE NEW YORK CATCH, THE NEW YORK SOCIALITE, THE NEW NEW YORK & THE RED ROCK CAFE

Crystal Renn–Where Art Thou?

Famous, iconic plus-sized model, Crystal Renn–the historic first plus sized model to appear on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar–appears in the up-coming Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue looking like this.

I don’t know about you, but I am not a fan of this new, ordinary, anorexic-looking Renn. As a model who rose to notoriety by penning a book about her struggles with eating disorders, and damning the conventionally accepted view of beauty in the modeling industry, I’m confused by her shockingly extreme weight loss.

According to Wikipedia, Renn is now a healthy size 8. Take another look at the link above. Does that look like a size 8 to you? I’m a size 6 and Crystal Renn, in this photo, seems half or even a quater, of my size.

Also, her face looks emaciated. If I saw this photo, I would’ve never guessed it was Crystal Renn.

Why?

Because THIS is what Crystal Renn, iconic plus-sized model and challenger of conventional beauty expectations looks like!

Not some anorexic twit off the street, flouncing about in a string bikini, looking like she’s jonesing for a sandwich.

DIG MY BLOG? READ MY FUNNY, CHICK-LIT, AMAZON BEST SELLING SERIES: THE NEW YORK CATCH, THE NEW YORK SOCIALITE, THE NEW NEW YORK, & THE RED ROCK CAFE.

Need A Pick-Me-Up?

Sometimes what you need, is a perfect puppy pick-me-up, like this photo below.

There! Now don’t you feel better about your car that’s falling to sh*t more and more as the days go by, or the time you went on a full-out diet and gained five pounds that have since turned into ten, or the fact that no matter how many times you tell people that you’re NOT a stripper, they still insist on pushing money in your face?

Yeah, me too.

IF YOU DIG MY BLOG, CHECK OUT MY AMAZI-BALLS–AMAZON BEST SELLING SERIES: THE NEW YORK CATCH, THE NEW YORK SOCIALITE, THE NEW NEW YORK & THE RED ROCK CAFE.

Clearly, I’m Knocked-Up

You will recall my post about Sex Ed for Adults, where I sought to teach like-minded females who are in and around their thirties, the concept of the birds and the bees.

Well I am finally realizing why nobody believes me.

Exhibit A: Hollwood.

If you’re one to troll the online gossip mags (like myself), you’ll notice that pregnancy is not determined by missed periods, lack of birth control or ovulation cycles, as I had alleged in my previous post. Pregnancy, in Hollywood, is determined by loose blouses and upcoming movies that need promoting. This is how a baby is made. Why have I been so blind? Of course you can ignore conventional birth control methods. Unless you’re about to launch a new perfume line or shell a new clothing line, why on Earth would your body ever feel ready to carry a child. You’re body is smarter than you! It’s not gonna create a perfect PR storm when there’s no monetary gain in sight!

Look at Jen Aniston. I’ve been hearing she’s pregnant for twelve months, and since there’s nothing for her to promote right now, the baby is refusing to manifest! Her body is simply smarter than that! It’s gonna wait til summer when her new stationary line is announced to even hint at a popped-out belly button.

Exhibit B: Look at me.

I have convinced myself that I am pregnant. Yes, I’m on the pill. Yes, my cycles are totally normal. No, I have not missed one single dot. However, didn’t I just release four novels on Amazon Kindle? Aren’t they Best Sellers? Don’t I look a little paunchy from this angle? Or this angle? or THIS ANGLE?

Clearly, I’m knocked-up!

Babies aside, I have every reason in the book to be preggo! My body must realize that it’s time for it to shine.

In preparation for my upcoming bundle of poop/pee/puke, I have been eating like a wilderbeest, hoping to turn my unborn fetus into an oreo cookie with eyes. (As God and Hollywood intended).

Does this make sense to anyone other than me, because my boyfriend, (sigh), he doesn’t get it.

DIG MY BLOG? READ MY BOOKS: THE NEW YORK CATCH, THE NEW YORK SOCIALITE, THE NEW NEW YORK, & THE RED ROCK CAFE.