Sex Ed for Adults

Do you remember all the sex education classes we had to take in prep school, high school and college? The ones where the teacher went over all kinds of diagrams of fallopian tubes and ovulation cycles? Well guess what I’ve recently found out?

I was apparently the only one paying attention! Recently I’ve been horrified to learn that my grown women-friends are unsure how a baby comes to be. They are constantly finding themselves knocked up and being totally surprised by it. This is the gist of the many conversations I’ve had over the past TEN years with women who took the EXACT same sex ed classes as me growing up. Women who not only equal, but in many cases, surpass my level of intelligence.

Them: I can’t believe I’m pregnant!

Me: Oh my gosh! What happened? Did you miss a pill?

Them: No, I’m not on the pill.

Me: Did the condom break?

Them: Oh….we don’t use condoms…

Me: Well then what birth control are you on?

Them: None….

Yet, when these women find themselves with child, they are surprised.

Or worse.

When I inquire after their birth control practices, they tell me they chart their ovulation cycles or simply state that ‘he pulls out’. Clearly that’s enough! Sperm only manifests at the end! Pre-cum is a myth invented by nuns and hermaphrodites to scare you into virginity until marriage! Nobody ever gets pregnant once they record the start of their period in their blackberry–after all, charting ovulation cycles worked so well for those families of sixteen back in the eighteenth century. Why would anyone ever try to prevent pregnancy any other way?

People, let me break it down for you. Sex, as much as it’s used for entertainment, is primarily for MAKING BABIES. If you don’t want to make babies, you have to use some form of contraception.

Why is this so hard to understand? Sex = Babies!

Read it, absorb it, embrace it. Off-handedly I can count eight super intelligent females who have yet to grasp this concept over the past ten years. All of them shared a seat next to me in school. What do I need to do? Break out the Barbie Dolls and go old school on you?

Sexing makes babies. Wrap it up!

MTV has been so kind to compile this info on birth control for teenagers. I think it is also useful for you girls who are bucking thirty, and have conveniently forgotten that it only takes ONE teeny tiny sperm and egg to mix up a sixty-thousand dollar a year cocktail!

Now, for the love of food, stop being surprised when you find yourselves pregnant. If you’re not using birth control, you are ACTIVELY TRYING to get knocked up. End of story.

I’m amazed with all these dumb-dumbs walking around out there that the birth rate has dropped 17% this year. Praise be–less dumb-dumbs for the next generation!

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